Shadows....

Long have I lived under the "shadow" of my mother.  Upon her death however, the shadow went from merely standing by and by, to integrating itself into me.  It has been a slow realization, and all of course in retrospect, but it gives a good deal of concern.  The long and short of it is that before my mother died I was a certain way, I had certain habits.  Most notably I tend towards wanting to be industrious much of the time.  Now everything in moderation as Ben Franklin says, but I do not tend towards these things unfortunately.  Upon her death I feel now that a part of her transferred to me as a "shadow".  While she too was an industrious woman, I saw it take on a toll and role in her that deprived her of things.  It lent itself to me having a lonely childhood, of her working herself to exhaustion and even illness.  While I may admire and have even at times been jealous of the amount and ease with which she could get things done, there is always a price, a trade for such things.  And the most important thing to consider is:  is this worth it?  To have my own fears and past revisited onto my own child is not a wish that I have.  Nor is the state of my mother's work ethic and the toll it took on her bodily.

To me the answer has yet to fully reveal itself to me, but for now it is such:  it begins with release.

I have been contemplating a simple "release" ceremony for dealing with my issues and feelings towards her but was not yet ready.  This year being one of a time to heal, to clean up the mess, move on, let go, and make some things new I feel it is a good time.  With Imbolgc fast approaching and it's symbolism of blessing I think that this is also a most propitious time to do this ritual.  As the release of these energies will allow for a soul cleansing that will allow me to be myself and do for me rather than live under her shadow...