Contemplative Thoughts

It's a feeling - hard to describe...

It's something I recognize, something I know to be true...but the details are fuzzy and drawn...

I feel something large on the horizon, looming ever closer but in such a way that I could not identify it even if I tried. I know that it will not reveal itself to me anytime soon - but will come as some sudden realization.

I have become nostalgic for some time now...looking back on the last 6 years as though they were a lifetime. So many things have happened, so many things are different, so much pain and turmoil, joy and sorrow - so much change. I could not comprehend all the things that have happened to me ahead of time.

And yet I find myself not connecting to who and where I am also. I stood doing the dishes the other night and it was as though I was coming back into my body, as though I were someone else watching from my own perspective. A faint memory trying to force it's way through but coming only as a murky recollection of something "not quite right".

I know time and time again I've felt these things, not necessarily all at the same time as with now - but I generally try to make note of them. However, I seem to rarely write them down...

I think this feeling is part of why I want to go on a sabbatical from "life" though. I feel that I need to figure it out, and I know I can't with all this distraction (eg everyday life, etc) going on. And yet the pain I know it would induce in those around me many not understanding the inner workings of my mind, is too much for me to bear further contemplation. Aside from the fact that I am locked in certain life situations that do not allow me to have free will in certain areas for lofty consequences.

As a healer I feel the call to be involved globally, to make note and make a difference. To help heal the Earth and my fellow plant/animal/man. And yet with all these things going on in my own microcosm, what do I care about the person down the street? Much less across the world. It's a closed minded view and it really does nothing for the "highest good" but it is an understandable point of view - albeit Ego driven.

The whole feeling irks me in a sense because I "know" something is coming...but it's as though it is moving through a mist. I can sense the movement, but can't see anything.

I'm not as in tune with my psychic senses as I'd like to be...I get fragments. Like right now.... I don't even feel like I'm here...I look around the room and it's like I'm in this strange place. I know where I am but, it's hard to explain.