Shadows....

Long have I lived under the "shadow" of my mother.  Upon her death however, the shadow went from merely standing by and by, to integrating itself into me.  It has been a slow realization, and all of course in retrospect, but it gives a good deal of concern.  The long and short of it is that before my mother died I was a certain way, I had certain habits.  Most notably I tend towards wanting to be industrious much of the time.  Now everything in moderation as Ben Franklin says, but I do not tend towards these things unfortunately.  Upon her death I feel now that a part of her transferred to me as a "shadow".  While she too was an industrious woman, I saw it take on a toll and role in her that deprived her of things.  It lent itself to me having a lonely childhood, of her working herself to exhaustion and even illness.  While I may admire and have even at times been jealous of the amount and ease with which she could get things done, there is always a price, a trade for such things.  And the most important thing to consider is:  is this worth it?  To have my own fears and past revisited onto my own child is not a wish that I have.  Nor is the state of my mother's work ethic and the toll it took on her bodily.

To me the answer has yet to fully reveal itself to me, but for now it is such:  it begins with release.

I have been contemplating a simple "release" ceremony for dealing with my issues and feelings towards her but was not yet ready.  This year being one of a time to heal, to clean up the mess, move on, let go, and make some things new I feel it is a good time.  With Imbolgc fast approaching and it's symbolism of blessing I think that this is also a most propitious time to do this ritual.  As the release of these energies will allow for a soul cleansing that will allow me to be myself and do for me rather than live under her shadow...

Walking the Path of Fire

5/24/2010 3:39 AM EST

I sit here awake, fervently taking notes after having had a long and in-depth conversation concerning (Western) Astrology with a near and dear friend of mine yesterday morning. I realized in my efforts to explain the importance of "starting small" when attempting to learn this system and apply the knowledge it provides to one's life that I was feeling inadequate in my explanations. While I know the meaning of a planet in a particular sign, explaining it in less complex terms and providing the "why" of the explanation came as a difficulty to me. As I first learned Astrology - the Sun in whatever sign meant this - I never went into why it did, it just did and the same with the other planets. The houses are another ball of yarn altogether and provide another degree of complexity that even is a bit beyond me at times. I never took to studying natal charts too often due to the necessity of certain (and at times) hard to find information in the guise of exact birth times. So I settled myself to focusing more on the planets in certain signs and would only idly look deeper in my own charts, very close friends, relatives, and significant others.

I spent the remainder of the day - save an outing - taking notes from my library on Astrology. I realized that as long as I have studied the system and as much "mastery" (and I use the term loosely) that I have attained with it, I am not as proficient as I would like, namely because I never really bothered to "properly" apply myself. I recall that all that changed when I decided to take an "Intro to Astrology" from a mentor of mine and subsequently the only person I would consistently pay (money) for a reading. She started us with basics that I all too well knew and understood - but presented the "missing link" for me, they why. The fire signs were active because of their element, the cardinal signs all began things, the feminine signs tended towards introspection and the inner world. While I could appreciate all of these bits of information in the whole of each sign, separating and just looking at them made the light bulb burn ever brighter and clearer rather than flickering occasionally.

I woke and slept some times during the day and finally awoke in the wee hours of the morning (around 1 AM) and continued my note taking. I was looking into just the "basics" - the Duality, Triplicity, and Quadruplicity of each sign, and the significances of the Planets and Houses on their own (not looking into the specifics of a planet in a certain sign or house). I have studiously finished reading through one book and near the end of another. Suddenly my alarm on my ipod went off - my bellydance music starting signaling my alarm to get up and start my day...

And thusly I began, I continued this way, chatting online and taking notes, all the while listening to my music - until a certain song came on "Drum Solo Wassan Pharaoun" by Issam Houshan. It caught my attention, I felt the need to move and found myself inadvertently swaying along with the beat. All too soon the song ended and I was much disappointed. I put my book and notes down and restarted the song, getting up to dance. I felt invigorated, I felt alive - it felt wonderful. And now as I have concluded - it is time to begin the "Path of Fire" finally. The paths cannot be rushed or pushed and happen in their own time and of their own accord. However, looking to my immediate past I have been feeling the "pull" of this path. I have been more active lately, staying up more and working more. Being creative and productive across many venues, embracing my creative fire - much in the guise of Brigid. I have been doing much work with my hands, in honor of Athena. And now Dionysos and Kali address me with my desire to move, to dance, to express myself and the freedom of my spirit, mind, and body through movement. I have a spirit around me who when she lived was a devotee of Dionysos - a Maenad. I decided in an effort to understand her and further my own spiritualism that I would devote myself to Him as well (especially since I don't generally work with the God in particular I had no direct preferences). As someone of Hispanic descent dance, I feel, is "in my blood". I hold a deep and abiding love for music, particularly that which I can dance to. I suddenly recall the importance of dance to Dionysos, and then after contemplating His own meanings - of freedom, creativity, sex, expression, divinity I realize all of these are embodied within dance. Now I sit here, listening to the inspirising song for a third time and I recall Kali - whose amulet a Kali Yantra - I currently wear, whose statue ever sits on my altar, and who in the form of a tapestry hangs on my wall. Dance is also sacred to She, who defeated and saved Her fellow gods and humans from the demon Raktabija - and even She exemplifies the wild, chaotic dance - fire, force, and will....Aye it is time, to walk the Path of fire.

A Hole in my Heart

I look out into the world. I hear the bright chirping of the songbirds and see the flutter of sunlight through the trees. It's a beautiful day outside, and yet a pall is cast over me.

For many years I have ached to "fill" myself. I have looked around me and felt only emptiness. I have tried and yet felt dissatisfied even with my meager results. But what else could you expect when you barely make the effort to wake in the morning? When each day seems a lesson in doldrums and disappointment. I have painted my life in shades of gray and wonder where the color is. It's funny really - for what else should one expect? Yet I scream vainly at the injustice, cry out pitifully "Why me?!" When the judge and jury, and even the executioner of my dreams wears my face.

Today is a breakthrough, a beginning of a release of the shackles I've used to hold myself back and it's time to unlock them and toss them away.

I look out the window again, the bright day greets me. The same songbird still chirping happily whatever message he or she has and I smile. Wholeheartedly and with feeling. I have begun, the journey is upon me and now where it will take me I eagerly await!

Fire O Fire, Where Are You?

It has been a long time since I have stopped the Path of Water. I had the full intention of moving smoothly into the Path of Fire...but when working with Chaos and Eris is anything ever really smooth? However, I trust that if things have happened as they have it is for a reason.

The time for activity is Now though. Spring is here and Summer is on Her way. I have been feeling the pull and call to be more active and "do". All things associated with Fire. I have become complacent in my station with things and am falling behind on many things. None of this is "okay" with me and yet I have let it slide by...still trapped in my "pool". The once rushing waters of intuitive inspiration have ceased to flow and now they are the stagnant puddle that is covered with muck. Seeing through such merely blinds the eye and slows one down from the real signs, the inward tugs and gentle urgings of the spirits and powers that be...

And so thusly I break forth, I dry and tenderly strike the matches waiting for the spark...

Reluctance...

It has been some time since I have left the last path, but though it is "over" I had yet to embark on the next spoke in my wheel's journey. Honestly I believe I've been putting it of, but really it wasn't "quite time". Now I believe I can put forward all that I need to and really go and step forward. The Path of Fire beckons to me to come towards its fiery light...

On another note, before I take my first steps towards this path I had decided to draw a card from a new deck, "The Heart of Faerie". The Lady of Faith (reversed) came to me today. I think that it says plainly that I need to have more faith in myself and the way that I am taking. I don't need to worry or second guess the decisions I'm making.

Having little or lacking faith makes the roads seem ever more dangerous, for even in the darkest of times the light of faith burns brightly to show us the way.

The other messages of this card show the need for belief not only in others and greater things but oneself. And perhaps the most important part of belief - openness. While you may not agree or believe as another does you can still be open to the existence of their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It denotes a mutual understanding and respect and is a trait that should be better cultivated. The fact that this card is reversed means to me that the energy is blocked, there is an even more dire need for it here because to see it upright says that it is present or needs to be present, for it to be reversed it is missing and needed.

To me this means altogether that before I can go any further with anything I must believe in myself, others, and all that is around me both great and small. Things will turn out as they will.

The End of the Path of Water...

Time has gone by and a lot of learning has occurred. My psychism has developed to a degree more. I've had some past life memories, more communications from the spirits around me and I feel more connected. I felt the pull for the time to change last night, and even did some transitioning in what I was wearing that symbolized the need to move on to the next path.

Reflecting over what I've learned it's been a wonderful and insightful journey and I expect to learn more even after leaving this path in regards to it. All of the paths are interactive and affect one another.

This path has meant inspiration as well as intuition for me, connection to the Divine Feminine and our inner psychic nature. It relates to all of the symbols that can be associated with the female and goddess energy, as well as the heart chakra, love (of the Self, family, friends, and all others). It connects to the element of Water and the color Green (but also any of the colors of love - red, white, and pink). The symbol in my personal Chaos Star is the bow and arrow of cupid, tipped in gold, white white dove feathers.

Psychic "Episode" - Another Past Life Bleed Through

It hurts, so badly, so much...the screams the torment. I'm so sorry, and I understand all too well why you've forgotten, why you have no desire to remember.

The torment, the scars, they are too deep - but you buried them, left them way and ignored. But you can't hide anymore. You can't look away, even though it burns your eyes. Hush little child, daughter of mine. Be still, breathe deep, slow, even. Let the darkness come and relax, the light will come. The storm will be over soon...just sleep...just rest...

***

I see her huddled up on the floor, knees drawn up hands covering her head. I hear an anguished scream, it's like the wail of a soul crying out from utter torture...it echoes.

She is so sad and it hurts so much...

***

This is the second time I can "peg" a 'Past Life Bleed Through' happening. The first time was strong, and intense but much less specific. I could feel the "pull" but couldn't identify it more strongly. I ended up getting a reading for confirmation and the information given confirmed what I thought it was referring to.

I have had Blue Obsidian on my Third Eye and it seems to have helped with the processing of the information a bit better. It was feeling like my Third Eye Chakra was clamped shut and that something was trying to pry it open with a crowbar - very disconcerting feeling! Lately I have been getting a lot of clairsentience in regards to my Third Eye, feeling buzzing or pressure and then feeling the need to do some intuitive work or having received some sort of message.